The truth isn’t always pretty.
Contrary to my friends’ popular belief, I actually don’t hate myself.
For so many years and based on my previous relationships, it has been a default perception that I get from them because (in someone else’s words:) “Wow, you really dated shit guys, huh?”. But for me, it’s actually not entirely true because I am just not afraid to be vulnerable. That may or may not be a flaw. And I guess that also makes me, somehow, emotionally intelligent because (1) I am self-aware (2) I have empathy (3) I learn how to manage my emotions (4) I express and confront my emotions. Then again, it can’t be all that. Maybe in some ways, I still needed to grow. Maybe, there are other ways to look and handle life.
***
Sometimes, people treat us a certain way, and we try to make sense of it. Maybe something happened in their past. Maybe they have a certain childhood trauma that made them react to situations like this. We think about those things and unknowingly excuse their behavior. We think we are trying to be understanding. If we can figure out why they behaved or acted that way, then we can think it has nothing to do with us and we won’t take it personally. Guess what? I realized we do that to avoid hurting from what they did. We gaslight ourselves out of our own pain, until that pain piles up, and we do not realize that we excuse certain behaviours and allow it to take up emotional space. We forget that our feelings are always valid.
How deeply embarrassing that was of me. Why am I staying in a situation where I wasn’t valued nor given importance? I mean, I’ve had guys ask me for countless chances and second chances because they wanted to prove to me how much they want and love me. And I’ll give it to some of them because I’m the kind of person who trusts and hopes to see the goodness in people. But the thing is, it is also always important to listen. To listen is not just to hear those words being said. It’s understanding the meaning of those words. I’ve read somewhere that “Words not matching actions is manipulation. Not taking accountability for your actions is gaslighting.” It is true. Words are goddamn cheap and when people show us how they feel about us, we have no choice but to believe it. It took a long time for me to realize that, and also, that is such a hard pill to swallow.
Lol. Fuck, I had an ex who proposed to me but I broke off that engagement because he cheated on me countless times while we were on LDR. Another one of my ex had an intention to propose, but it didn’t really push through because I ended it before he could do it. The guy has absolutely no plans in life except wanting to keep me. And that’s not cutting it. I’m not gonna settle for someone that’s not ready to go all in. It is an utter disrespect to allow myself to think I am not enough because someone can’t get on the fucking level of love that I am ready to give.
The truth isn’t always pretty.
Anyway, I can’t believe I’ve reached the point where I have to ask for myself to be given the bare minimum. The bar is low and what a fucking revelation. The arguments would oftentimes include ingenious forms of gaslighting and blatant ignorance for my emotions that would make me look like a fool for having feelings and expressing them. That redflag radar was sweeping in between conversations masked with arrogance and analogies for maximum ridiculousness. I managed to live through my anxiety that I won’t ever say something that can trigger an easily bruised gigantic ego. Shrugs.
***
Love is about feeling safe and loved by being just yourself. Love is when you can openly communicate your feelings without getting chastised or shut off. It is not always grand gestures but it sometimes disguises itself in the little things: making coffee, watching your favorite shows, random compliments throughout the day, asking and listening to your partner when they tell you how their day went. It is understanding each others’ attachment styles and working together to get through it. It is being able to give reassurances without being asked. Love is like your heartbeat, or every breath you take that you can’t control.
It’s not about having that “This is how I am, take it or leave it.” mentality. We all have toxic traits that we need to work on. It’s not about judging or analyzing a person’s behaviour and coming up with conclusions about it as if your lover is some sort of experiment. It’s not about trying so desperately to control how one feels, excluding yourself from the equation to be not responsible for it just because you have no time to deal with it. There’s a difference between intent and impact. It’s not about being too self-absorbed and being unaware that you are. It’s not about having to only think about yourself when you are in a relationship. That is not loving.
Sometimes, people are funny. They demand meaningful conversations and deep connections from you, yet they can’t even allow themselves to be vulnerable. The people who constantly want peace, are the same people easily triggered and are the ones who always start the chaos. There are people who demand loyalty but they don’t fully trust you, and are the same people not worthy of that trust because they can be easily tempted. They give you barely half of their energy yet they want to take all of yours. And the sad thing is, half of the time, when some people are too private, the only voice that they’re listening to is the voice inside their head. And those voices of reason aren’t even strong enough to reason out.
***
In life, we learn more things about ourselves and as we grow older, we realize that our mind is the most powerful weapon we have and it is so limitless that we are able to dream about things that someday, the stars will align and the universe will let the things that we manifest fall into place. I’m not going to let anyone dampen my light. I LOVE MYSELF.
And I’m taking my big Virgo alpha energy back.
