January brews.

The first few weeks of January wasn’t a breeze. My circadian rhythm was shit and I kept getting little to no sleep and going to work at the same time. I don’t even know how I do it. I also got sick and good thing self medicating helped.

I am thankful for friends who ask me to go out and hang so I don’t get stuck at home, be on my bed, and reminisce the time I’m with someone. I really think it is what I need. Though sometimes, I wear his clothes though. Lol. Not helping but I like to torture myself with that.

I’ve also been having a LOT of vivid dreams lately and I always forget them as soon as I wake up. Some, would get me into a trance and would make me confused if it happened in real life or was that all just in my head.

But most recently, what’s weird is I was getting enormous amounts of sleep. I don’t know, but it’s weird to wake up so late, (usually in the afternoon) and I struggle to get up and even eat. My body would feel so heavy and I would feel too lazy to even move. I’d have to force myself to get my ass off my bed and get some things done. I watched a lot of seires to distract myself (btw, I’m watching High Potential, Reacher, Severance, The Recruit, The Trauma Code and Young Sheldon altogether — SO GOOD), and then, I feel sleepy again and I just sleep some more. I told myself maybe I am still sad (being sad makes me sleep a lot because by sleeping, I can forget everything) but I also feel I am not sad. Or maybe I’m just making myself believe that.

It’s odd. Sometimes, I feel absolutely okay but when I’m all alone with my thoughts, I feel I am not. I need to stop overthinking and over analyzing certain situations because most of the times, I know the answers to it, it’s just hard for me to accept it. No shit. I blame my Virgo sun for that. Lol. I need a constant reminder that I control what I feel and what I do, and I need to stop dwelling on other peoples’ actions or decisions because it’s their burden to carry, not mine. It’s what they decide for their life, and it is not for me to worry or think about it. I need to focus on my zone.

I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts, listening to a ton of music and and also trying (my best) to read a book just so I can distract myself more. Anything just to keep me from not thinking about a certain stuff. On some days I succeed, on some days I allow myself to drown in my emotions. I wallow and just let it all out. Pathetic little crap. But I really owe it to myself. I tend to shut off and not speak whenever some stuff bothers me. And I’ve come to a realization it is just part of my childhood trauma — wanting to shut down or shut off. All because I grew up not allowed to assert myself and voice out what I really feel. If I do that, I’m wrong. And I may have almost reached rock bottom because I also discovered Google shows you s****** hotlines when you google that stuff. Yep, I’ve reached that point in my life.

I used to think I’m strong enough to carry whatever it is, that life throws at me. And I have this perception that nothing gets thrown at us if we can’t handle it. I take solace in knowing such thing. But those things that happened make me think I am not as strong as I thought I was. I don’t know. It’s just damn hard to get some things over with. I guess I’m a bit weak at times and it’s okay. It’s okay to breakdown and cry. It’s okay when things don’t go your way. So… I guess. I’d have to try harder to pretend I can get over this.