Drag on.
The moment I knew 2024 would be the year of the dragon, I can’t deny it gave me such high hopes that some things will finally work out for me, and will fall into place. But I’m just gonna say it: this year has been hard.
January — Things were off to a pretty good start. That’s because nothing much really happened. Life was steady good in general.
February — Usually, when I go through personal things especially about family, I just keep mum about it to avoid other people meddling with my business. And it’s what I did. Found out some terrible things that I unfortunately cannot share. It brought some light and also triggered some childhood wounds that were left unhealed. I avoided taking a deep dive into all of it because I got a bit depressed (for a lack of a better word) I started to feel that my world is starting to fall apart.
March — First trip of the year. I went to Dubai to visit my friend Yanna and stayed there for a week. I met her friends and stayed at her place. I didn’t have any expectations in going there because honestly, I just wanted to hang out with friends. I am a notorious planner when it comes to my travels but going to Dubai, I kind of loosened up with my planning. I was in a “fuck it” mode and just went with the flow. I was surprised because it felt like I was back home, only… I wasn’t. And I haven’t been home to the Philippines in 5 years. I don’t really have plans in going back there to be honest. That longing to be “home” has left me and I had no idea when it did. All I know is, I couldn’t care less. I’d rather travel to other places.
April — The February problem is really getting into my nerves add it made me feel restless, uneasy, and I feel like it is affecting my mental health in a way. Plus, another thing (or person) was also breaking my heart and I got stressed and guess what I did to release it? I went back to smoking. I’m not really a habitual smoker but this issue I am experiencing just makes me feel it is my body’s way of resisting to break down and cry. I suppressed my emotions. My heart was broken too much and that is the only way I knew how to cope. Also, I watched Hollow Coves’ concert alone and it felt like a hug to my hurting heart.
May — Travelled for the first time in Spain and went to Barcelona and Madrid. The sole purpose of this trip was actually watching Taylor Swift’s The Eras Tour in Madrid and a side trip to Barcelona was really nice. I like art and being in the home Gaudi’s work was amazing. Heart eyes everywhere. But there was also one unexpected thing that happened in Barcelona. I booked a 9:30AM appointment for Gaudi’s Casa Batllo and guess who I saw? My ex-boyfriend. Lol. So weird because of all places, me being based in Vienna, him based in Quebec… we met again in Barcelona in Casa Batllo (had the same appointment time!), after 10 years. I freaked out a bit because I could not believe my eyes when I saw him. But when he saw me, we both just nodded and smiled at each other. He was with his wife and kid and seeing them made me really happy for him and the life he has. We did not talk because we don’t have a reason to.
June — Another month where I travelled and this time, to Lyon, France to watch Coldplay for the second time. Lyon was a dream. The Musee Cinema et Literature that me and my friend Mikee visited was so cool and very interesting. I’d go back there again. It’s one place that I’d love to spend more days in. Coldplay’s concert got rained on and it was quite an experience getting semi-soaked in the rain. The concert was AMAZING nonetheless.
July — There has been one consistent guy I have in my life for quite some time and July was something special because he went to visit me and we spent a week of being all over each other. Best summer ever. You wouldn’t understand how we had this special connection and everything felt they were in the right place when we were together. The comfort, security, and love that I felt when I was with him, was undeniable and it was something of our own. No one can take that away from us. We visited Budapest together and I loved traveling with him. We sang and danced and laughed and learned a lot of things/quirks about each other and walked hand in hand 24/7. It seemed serious, you'd think. Sigh, but it was really just fleeting. He had to leave and as much as he said he wanted to come back, I knew in my heart it wasn’t going to happen. He can’t make it happen. And so we bid each other a bittersweet goodbye.
August — Can you believe I saw Taylor twice? This time, I traveled to Warsaw, Poland for 4 days and watched her concert with my internet friend Eena. Seeing Joanna, my Polish friend, was really nice after 3 years. I really really like Poland and I think it is one place that I would LOVE to visit all over again.
September — Birth month and my most awaited solo trip to the Dolomites (again!) has happened. I loved planning for my solo trip and I really get too obsessed with every tiny detail. South Tyrol was really breathtaking. There is something in being with nature and seeing the majestic mountains. It makes me feel out of this world. Being there gives me an inexplicable comfort of being away from the city, away from those buildings. Riding buses and seeing people dressed almost the same (backpacks and in their hiking gears) and you meet the nicest people in your hikes too. Waking up to green meadows, the sound of birds and cows, and mountain ranges makes my heart flutter and makes me feel how privileged I am to live and see how beautiful the world is. And I cannot wait to explore more of it.
October — Lost another person in an accident this month. It really felt sad and heavy because it was unexpected but we take solace knowing “dying” was what he wanted. I guess that’s how it is when you’re old and you felt like you finally did your time here in the world. Most nights were a blur as I spent it mulling over stuff that is uncomfortable but should accept because it is out of my control.
November — A lot of nights spent crying. Relentlessly. It wasn’t fun but I guess it was what I needed. I’ve suppressed too much emotions and when I finally decided I owe it to myself to validate how I feel, I FELT IT ALL. If my apartment walls can comfort me whenever they hear me, I bet you they would. That’s all I can say. :)
December — I have no extreme feelings about this month because I think all I wanted is to finish this year and finally accept the fact that some things aren’t meant to be in your life, some people aren’t meant to stay, and we just have to pour our energy to people who makes you feel you matter to them. In life, we make our bed and whatever bed we chose to be in, whether it makes us feel miserable or not, we deal with it, and we live by it. If there is one thing I hate living with, it’s regret. Regret of not pursuing what makes me happy. Regret of not pouring out my feelings or something I want to say to someone I love. Regret of not following what my heart wants. Regret is difficult to live with. It haunts you for the rest of your life taunting never ending questions about things you did not do for yourself and why you’re in the situation you’re in right now. I don’t ever want to live constantly asking what ifs, what could have beens and if onlys to myself.
I apologize to whoever reads this that some details are vague because it’s a sensitive topic to discuss and I figured y’all aren’t just ready for it. Even I ain’t ready to discuss it. This year was a fucking ride that it made me go back to blogging about it. Here’s to my first and last blog of this year. Good night and Happy New Year. x
